What a year it’s been. Wherever you are, and however you choose to (or choose not to) celebrate today, I wish you joy.

oxox

Christmas in Australia is a funny thing. Our weather is weirdly out of sync with the way this holiday is supposed to be celebrated. Most of us spend the day wearing ridiculous paper hats, stuffing our faces with tropical fruit and ice cold seafood, followed by swimming or playing backyard cricket. I mean, is a birthday party right? Actually, it ends up being a really secular affair. We’ll just take any excuse we can to get a day off work. As well as all the fun and games, in our isolation Australians have developed some sinister versions of classic Christmas carols. I can remember very clearly my kindegarden Christmas party, where we performed the 12 days of Christmas, and I got to be the lucky midget who shouted “and a kookaburra in a gum tree!” at the end of every line. Awesome!

So I present to you, eight of the very finest in bogan Christmas carols.

Because some of us have better things to do than wrestle with tinsel. It’s pretty simple really.

Pick up some chalk markers in your preferred holidays colours  from you local stationers. They should be about $8 each.

Scribble away on any easy to wipe surface.

You don’t need to have amazing fine-art skillz either. A bunch of hearts, snowflakes and stars will do nicely. Even small children can manage that!

I finished these doodles in about five minutes.

The best part about these decorations is that they’re so easy to get rid of on boxing day. Just wipe ‘em away with a damp cloth.

Wishing you all a Merry Fishmas!

1. Sales., 2. 4 bags, 3. Sales, 4. souls for sale???

Recently, I found myself lost in the shopping rush just before Christmas & like so many others, scrambling to find last minute presents. Again, in these last few days, I seem to have been compelled to join in the post-Christmas sales, waving my credit card around like a gymnast with a pretty ribbon. I’ll admit to picking up several bargains, but my sparkly new purchases come with a hidden cost. Time. Shopping is an extended activity & after wandering around a shopping center you could be left up to eight hours behind. This is what I call Marathon Shopping. It requires stamina, foresight & planning as well as the usual funds. Surviving eight hours of window shopping is an art form. So here are some tips I have picked up during my time as a Marathon Shopper.

1. Wear comfortable shoes.

Being on your feet for such a long time is very trying. Preempt tender feet by looking after them to begin with. A nice pair of comfortable flats will serve you well. Save the high heels for coffee with you friends the next day.

2. Wear sunglasses.

Shopping centers & malls can be hostile places full of short tempered people. If your the kind of person that wants to get in & out as quickly as possible you may find that an easy way to avoid unnecessary distractions & conversations is to don a pair of sunglasses. If people can’t make eye contact, they won’t usually speak to you. They’ll also stay out of your way – bonus!

3. Take regular breaks.

Be sure to take five minutes every now & then to sit down & center yourself. Don’t become a shopping center zombie! If you’re in a shopping precinct find a nice bench or a spot in a park to rest & revive.

4. Hydration.

Air conditioning is both a blessing & a curse. In the hot summer months people flock to shopping centres & malls to bask in the deliciously temperate air. However, the cool dry conditions can leave you feeling dehydrated fairly quickly. Pack a bottle of water & avoid the grumpiness, lethargy & headaches that accompany dehydration.

5. Take public transport.

Parking can be a nightmare. Avoid this by taking public transport where possible. It’s reasonably good for the environment &  will save you money as well. If you end the day laden with purchases, use any money you might have saved to splurge on a taxi for the ride home.

6. Wear headphones.

“Can I help you with anything?” was the most frequently heard phrase during my shopping escapades & quite frankly, it drives me nuts. Because I like to be left alone when shopping, I try to avoid sales representatives as much as possible. They are less likely to approach you if you’re wearing a pair of very conspicuous headphones. As an added benefit, you can listen to your favourite tunes, instead of those inane Christmas carols.

7. Take your lunch.

Save some dollars & take a packed lunch with you. Make your favourite sandwich or take a bento box. Mess free finger foods are best, especially the kind that don’t need to be heated up. A piece of fruit is a healthy & tasty snack to have on hand & will provide a little energy boost when you need it most.

8. Pay in cash.

Withdraw the exact amount you are willing to spend for the day & leave your cards at home. Overspending is not a happy habit & may leave you with buyers remorse. Cash is a tangible way to keep track of your spending. Just be sure to keep it somewhere safe!

9. Plan ahead.

You don’t need to be so particular as to plan out the exact route you will be taking, or when you will be scheduling toilet breaks, but it is good idea to start out with some sort of plan in mind. Make a mental list of the items you are after or the stores you want to visit so you don’t waste to much time or make silly purchases.

10. Bring some friends.

Shopping by yourself is a lonely business. Take a good friend who will keep you company & give you sound advice & a fashionable opinion.

11. Take your own bags.

You take reusable bags to the supermarket, so why not take them with you for the rest of your shopping? Strong bags with lots of room & wide shoulder straps or handles will make your shopping experience more comfortable as well.

12. Look after yourself.

Christmas shopping can be particularly draining, so be sure to look after yourself.  A little self love never hurt to much, so treat yourself after a long day of Marathon Shopping buy getting a pedicure or buying a good book. After purchasing all those gifts for others, you deserve something as well!

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